Before I Accepted Christ (or gave Him complete control)
I went through a dark struggle of shame and disgrace after I was sexually abused as a child. It wasn't acknowledged and so, the relationship with my parents strained. As a teenager, I was vulnerable to boys who preyed on me. Somewhere along the line, I got my security of happiness through sex addiction. I had an abortion at 16 but I just couldn't forgive myself. The shame and guilt I felt as a child came flooding back. To numb that pain, I became a substance abuser. Then I didn't have to deal with anybody is what I thought.
As the years passed, I was making one bad decision after another. I spent so much money and went so bad into credit card debt to look good on the outside while avoiding the real problems - the eating disorder, drug addiction, depression, isolation...
I was living dysfunctional life, detached from friends and family. Yoga, positive thinking, self-esteem, astrology, numerology, angel therapy, "the secret" power of attraction... I tried so many new age things to find peace and forgiveness but nothing helped my shame and the pain of guilt.
Between all this, my parents married me away at 24 yrs - which I wasn't prepared for at all. I let my inlaws down with my detached behavior, a recluse, substance abuser, can't do laundry, can't cook, nothing I did and "should be" doing was good enough. At this point, I was so frustrated with this newlywed life that I was almost suicidal.
That's where God found me!Hoping to get help by helping others I volunteered at Connecting NGO, a Suicide Prevention helpline in Pune. The manager there was a believer, Bobby Zachariah. One day during a shift we got talking about God and the way he spoke about God Blew Me Away. Bobby spoke about God as though he knew him as a father, as a close friend. I wanted to know God like that. But did God want someone as disgraced as me? I wondered... but something kept me moving forward in faith.
How I Received Christ (or gave Him complete control)
All this was happening while I was working as a Corporate in an IT company. When I needed a team member to share the burden at work, Bobby from the suicide helpline referred Jess, another fellow believer. I hired him and in the months that followed, I became frustrated with his work too. In truth, I was a horrible boss taking out my personal life's frustrations on Jess.
And Jess? He always had that smile, he was always kind and patient with my first-time lady boss tantrums. In reality, Jess was speaking the gospel to me with his actions! He showed me what a true Christian lives like!
I thought to myself if Jess can be so kind and forgiving to me in spite of my transgressions against him at work, how much more loving and forgiving is God? Everything nudged me to open the Bible to know more. I bought my first Bible and devoured it from Page 1.
That's when I started to understand God's master plan. Every story, every book had Christ, who took my shame and my guilt. Bible was more than a self-help book, it was alive with God’s words to me!
After I Accepted Christ (or gave Him complete control)
I felt sorry for how irresponsible I was to my body and the life God had so graciously given to me. He forgave me through Jesus’ work on the cross and I could feel a snuggly hug coming from God every time I spent quiet time or prayed to Him. We became friends, but more than that, God became my forgiving, comforting, loving, father I always wished I had.
With the personal relationship with God established, it was easy to kick my 10-year drug habit, and within a month or so I conceived my firstborn.
Be fruitful and multiply, God said to me in Genesis 1:28 Children are a reward, He said in Psalm 127:3
Even after we had parted ways from work, Jess continued to remain instrumental in my spiritual life. Jess was the one who suggested I join a bible-believing church called Marg. Praise God for friends like him!
With the newfound fellowship, I finally understood how indebted I am to Christ. I accepted Christ to be the Lord of my life and was baptized. He rid of all my pain, shame and disgrace.
I'm still struggling every day (and boy! being a Christian is not easy!) to act in love as a parent, as a wife, as a daughter and a daughter in law but performing all earthly roles only with His grace! Now I dedicate my life to Jesus! If you see an ounce of goodness in me, know that it's HIM.
My focus now is to bring my children up to be women of God too, be the Proverbs 31 wife, have David’s heart and a woman who is a light in the darkness just like Christ. John 1:5 And I want to do this because Christ loved me first, took my shame and restored my relationship with God.
Let all glory to be God!
Thank you for reading!